I MADE IT UP: The painting

By Carl D. Clarke, Jr.

Where are you going to hang the new painting?” I asked my wife Sweetness.
“I don’t know,” she said.
We had gone to Asheville for the weekend and stumbled onto a fine art and antiques auction.  Midmorning, I slipped out to have a cigarette, and when I got back, Sweetness told me that she had bought a painting. 
The catalogue description read: “British maritime painting, harbor with beached ship, figures pulling mast ashore.  Unsigned, oil on canvas, 19th century, 36 x 27-7/8 in.; gilt and painted wood frame.  Provenance:  A Wilmington, NC Collection.” 
“I think it really needs a maritime kind of setting,” I said.  “We could clear all the trees from Abingdon to the Atlantic Ocean and hang it next to the window that faces east.  That way, it would fit right in.  You’d have an ocean view right next to the painting. Nobody in Abingdon would have anything like it.”
“Wouldn’t that take some time?” Sweetness asked.
“The permits would probably take a year.  The actual work would probably take longer,” I said.  “How about this:  I could do a big holographic projection on the dining room wall, you know, a harbor with piers and dinghies and ropes and stuff.  Then I could run an audio tape on a continuous loop, with surf lapping at the shore and those bells that hang on buoys clanging every so often. The painting would be right in the center of the projection, like the ship was beached there.”
“Hmmm,” Sweetness said.
“We could build a new wing on the house.  Inside we could have a big harbor mural at one end.  We could buy ten other paintings and have a whole maritime collection.  Decorate with old ship relics and fishing nets, stuff like that.  What do you think?”
Sweetness did not say anything.
“We could move to Myrtle Beach,” I said, “and we could hang it in the front room facing the ocean.  That’s a good idea, what?” I was doing my best British accent. 
Sweetness was clearly overwhelmed with all the rich possibilities.  Then she said, “Maybe we just ought to resell it.  Or give it to one of the children,” she said.
“Oh not yet,” I cried.  “I’m sure I can come up with some more good ideas.”
Sweetness sighed.
Carl D. Clarke, Jr. from Abingdon is a weekly columnist for the Washington County News.  He may be reached at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)